why i (personally) hate verizon wireless*

*the entity. not the individuals employed by said entity, though on occasion I have wished for a few of them to stub their toes or bump their funnybones, but that's different. so don't write me all mad because your cousin's friend works for Verizon and she's the bomb and I'm just hatin. Don't wanna hear it.

Okay, so first things first. Shout-out to Ray, who gave me an idea of how I might be useful to people displaced by Katrina and Rita [subliminal message] click the button and donate some money to Habitat for Humanity if you got some money! [/subliminal message]

Now. Next things next, notice anything new about me? No? (how many "n's" in that sentence?)

Think it over. Are you sure you don't notice anything new?

Well, I guess I'll just tell you then.

I got a new phoooone!!!!!!!!!!!

*Sidenote: For all of you out there asking how you could've possibly "noticed" my phone when you can't see me, um . . . I don't have time to deal with your trivial questions when I have a new phone!*

Yes, people, I am no longer communicationally challenged, and I am fully in-touch with the rest of the world. These past few weeks made me realize just how impersonal emails and instant messages are; it was terribly hard to get across my ironic laugh in print. But no more of that struggle. I'm free! Woo hoo!!

Although sadly, there is a downside to my new phone. It is necessarily connected to my bloodsucking, spirit-draining contract with Verizon Wireless, the company I (personally) hate. There are 9 whole months remaining on the service contract I signed with them, and they can't pass quickly enough for me.

For the first two years of my cellular life, I and the company got along pretty well. I paid, they provided. I had problems, they solved them. I cooked, they cleaned. Perfect symbiotic relationship, right?

Until about 5 months ago, when things began to curdle, and Verizon became selfish. And lazy. The trouble began innocuously enough; my super-hip slider phone stopped working in the middle of a conversation with my grandma (I know, I'm so sweet huh?). I didn't know what the problem was, but all of a sudden no one on the other end could hear me speaking. Well, I was beyond perplexed, and of course I called the customer service line for some assistance. I recieved none.

What I got instead was a lot of education about how the Verizon website is so much more efficient than the phone line (right, even though there's no semblance or shade of customer service present on the Verizon website), and a headache from having Michael Bolton and LeAnn Rhymes pounded into my ear for twenty minutes while I waited on hold for anyone, and I do mean anyone to pick up and sustain a conversation with me without having to transfer or reroute me. Man, I probably would've been satisfied if the janitors had picked up and said hello. Or my grandma. (Awwww! lol.) However, all that time spent waiting was completely unfruitful, and long story short, they did nothing to solve the problem.

So I was stuck with a $200 paperweight. I had to send for my old, significantly less super-hip phone. I was quite disappointed, but that was only disappointment, the foundation as it were for the hatred that was to come.

Fast forward about, um, 5 months to the present day. I move to Minnesota, and am broke, so I can't afford to have two different phone bills. I'm depending solely on my cell for communication with the world outside of Minneapolis. About 3 weeks after I arrive and am settled, and there is no turning back, my trusty old significantly less super-hip phone suddenly decides to cut off a conversation of it's own. This time with my dad. In a familiar moment of deja vu, I heard my father on the other end of the line, calling my name and asking if I was still on, while I sat screaming into the speaker, absolutely unheard.

Saddened by the gradual realization that, alone in a strange city, with not even a basic grasp of the layout of my neighborhood, I was going to have to communicate with my family, friends, and school colleagues without a phone. And more distressingly, I was going to have to find my way around the city without the constant aid of the oh-so-helpful Metro Transit hotline! Frightening thoughts.

To quell my fears, I headed for the nearest payphone (3 blocks away!) and dialed up customer service. And because the wounds are still raw, I don't even want to detail the cold, callous way they treated me. No help to offer, no replacement, no assistance with an insurance claim, not even a kind word of consolation. One day out of warranty, and all I get is, "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do for you."

Right. As many people as I talked to, over a span of 5 or 6 days, I got a different story from each one, and that was the worst of it all. Not only does Verizon not care that I'm alone in a strange city with nothing but text messages to keep me connected to the world, but (and yes, this is finally the reason why I (personally) hate Verizon Wireless), they actually train their employees to drive customers crazy by sending us off in fifteen directions at once, muddling our minds and confusing our courses of action, until we don't know which way to go to get the help we need to resolve our troubles. I ended up in a torrent of despair, as the last person I talked to basically told me to suck it up and buy a new phone. Had I been weaker, or had I talked to a few more CSRs and got sufficiently soft in the head, I might've actually taken him up on the proposition. Which, I'm sure, is all Verizon wanted in the first place.

It's a heartless, heartless thing to do to somebody just to get another $200 out of them.

So yeah. It's over between me and Verizon. I pulled a Brad Pitt and emotionally checked out of the relationship. We're together on paper, but suffice it to say I no longer feel like cooking.


(Oh, P.S. -- sorry about the Brad Pitt reference. LOL. But I think that's the perfect analogy though, don't you?)
(Oh, and P.P.S. -- Where in the world is that parentheses intervention? I'm getting worse, for goodness sakes.)

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A Verse For You Today:

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all. It teaches us to say "no" to ungodliness, and to live self-controlled in the present age.

~ Titus 2: 11-12